Holy shit. I lost my virginity exactly a month ago. I can’t believe it’s really been that long…

<3

Today is Tuesday. It’s just an ordinary day. And for whatever reason, I’ve decided to write on this secret, hidden blog.

Friday night I attended a show at the park. I took loads of pictures, screamed my lungs out, and hung out with two of my very favorite people in the world. After the show I went back to a friend’s house where a bunch of people were gathered to eat pizza, smoke hookah, and drink beer. I did none of those - I just didn’t want to be home alone. Also, a friend of mine had asked me to make sure he made it home that night since he couldn’t stay at our friend’s house.
After making a glass and a half of rum ‘disappear,’ my friend was very drunk. And he’s one of those cuddly, sweet drunks. So of course I ended up on the couch in his lap, cuddled up against him. Later on there were kisses with alcohol on his breath and dancing in the driveway. I actually learned how to dance in the middle of the night in my ex-boyfriend’s driveway with my very drunk friend who was belting country songs. It was quite entertaining, I’m sure. We then made it back to his apartment where we laid in bed like we’d done so many times before. Just kissing and messing around. But that night it didn’t end there. I gave him my virginity. I couldn’t tell you what possessed me to let it happen, but I don’t regret it at all. I’m glad that I waited as long as I did and that I lost it to who I did.

So there you go, Tumblr. Now you know.

Apparently, I was wrong about you. Go figure, right? I’m always wrong - about everyone. So I’m going to listen to Foo Fighters until I fall asleep and I’m going to forget how much of a jerk you are to me.

I know now that I have to let you go. I wish so badly that I didn’t have to, but it’s become quite clear that I’m not what you need. I’ll never be what you need… ‘So let’s just stop, drop everything.’

Just don’t forget that I care about you and that I’ll miss you.

I don’t want to bug you and I don’t want to cling to you or rely on you… So right now, I’m not calling you. I’m not texting you…. I’m sitting herre in the dark crying, wishing that I could talk to you without bothering you, but I know I can’t. I know you’re having a horrible time as well, and to bother you with my problems wouldn’t be fair right now.

Just know that you’re the one person I wish I could be talking to right now…

You have no obligation to me… But sometimes… Well, sometimes I wish you did. Sometimes I wish it was me that you stayed up thinking about. I want to be the one that you miss - the one that you cuddle up next to, the one that you watch the stars with, the one you spend every waking moment with, the one that falls asleep in your arms while watching a movie - but I feel silly even thinking about it.

After not seeing you for two very long days, you were back in my arms. Very tired, sore, and sunburnt, but that didn’t matter. As long as you were there, I didn’t care about the circumstances. And finally, as I’m about to walk out the door, you spin me around and give me that kiss I’d been waiting on for nearly a week.

Thank you.

I spent the majority of my day with you. I knew I shouldn’t keep you from your homework and that I should have gone home to do mine, but I wanted to spend any time possible with you. But the time I spent with you wasn’t what it should have been, and I’m left to wonder why. I guess, though, that I know exactly why. It’s her. It always is, understandably so. After all, she is yours. As you are hers. I’m just that girl to fill her place while you’re away. 

It just doesn’t seem fair to me. I know I was wrong to get attached to you in the first place, but was that really my fault? It’s not like you tried to stop me. If anything you egged me on. You were the one who initiated that snuggle that led to our first kiss that night. Granted, I didn’t try to stop you… But it was you that started it. I guess I just want to be yours… And I know that will never happen.

I love getting home and realizing that even my undershirt smells like you. You can bet that I’m falling asleep in that shirt tonight.

I remember you falling asleep in my arms. You were so sweet lying there. I started to dose off as you were waking up. You looked down at me and gently kissed my lips with the movie playing softly in the background. The next thing I know I’m waking up in your arms listening to the credits roll. What a way to awaken. <3